The Tories act spontaneous

Following on the comparative success of their latest round of television commercials, Tory strategists have rushed into production several more in the same edgy, handheld style. Unaccountably, a transcript has fallen into my hands... Script 1. TITLE: Way Better Education (STEPHEN HARPER, in shirtsleeves, stands by a WHITEBOARD in what looks like some sort of temporary command post, surrounded by the more presentable members of his CAUCUS.) HARPER All right, people, listen up. I’m going to say this once and once only. I’ve rolled up my shirtsleeves and taken off my tie to impress upon you all, in a casual, team-player kind of way, how important education is to our party, even if it is provincial jurisdiction. Because children are -- what are they, Jim? JIM PRENTICE MP Our future? HARPER That’s right. And the reason I’ve gathered all you teen-friendly hotties together in this well-lit room is -- wait a minute. Are those cameras filming us? PETER MACKAY MP Well, I’ll be damned. I had no idea. HARPER No matter. Because what Canadians have been telling us they want from their elected leaders, above all, are stagey shows of transparency. RONA AMBROSE MP Yes. They want leaders who can act decisively in a crisis. And they want politicians who can act badly on camera. (The GROUP dissolves into FORCED CHUCKLES.) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Stand Up for Canada. This message authorized by the registered agent for the Conservative Party of Canada. …. Script 2. TITLE: Gomery is So Over (HARPER and the GROUP are gathered around a table, chowing down on some ordinary, middle-class sandwiches.) HARPER Say, Jim, what’s the subject that’s least on our minds these days? PRENTICE Can’t say, really. There are so many. HARPER Try. PRENTICE Um... leadership challenges? HARPER No, even less than that. AMBROSE I know! HARPER Yes, Rona? AMBROSE Liberal corruption! (PRENTICE shoots her a look.) HARPER That’s right. Why, I haven’t had an angry thought in months. Instead, I -- we -- have spent the summer promoting a positive vision of constructive change. MACKAY Constructive, and moderate. HELENA GUERGIS MP After all -- MACKAY And mainstream. GUERGIS After all, if we had a hidden agenda, would we have allowed the cameras in on these spontaneous, unrehearsed bull sessions? HARPER Hidden agenda? In this light? (NERVOUS CHUCKLES all round.) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Stand Up for Canada etc. … Script 3. TITLE: Foreign Policy - Thirty Minutes or It’s Free (The GROUP is huddled in front of a large MAP of Canada. An even larger FLAG stands to one side. The camera pans past a CHOIR OF SCHOOLCHILDREN singing O Canada.) HARPER Once again, people, what’s our slogan? AMBROSE Stand Up for Canada! HARPER No, I want to hear Jim say it. PRENTICE (Mumbles) Stand Up for Canada. HARPER What’s that? I can’t hear you. PRENTICE Stand Up for Canada. All right? Satisfied? HARPER We’ve chosen that slogan to make the point that we love Canada! We do! As if we even need to say it! MACKAY The Liberals won’t stand up for Canada. But we would. Because there are some things you just can’t do sitting down. RAHIM JAFFER MP Like on softwood lumber. Why won’t Mr. Martin pick up the phone and call George Bush? Why won’t he call? I could call him. HARPER That won’t be necessary, Rahim. I’m the leader. I’d make the call. It’s that, or leave it to Stock Day. (There is an uncomfortable silence.) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Stand Up for Canada etc.